


this never would have happened if it weren't for those damn cucumber sandwiches

by noblealice



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Bachelorette Party, Bechdel Test Pass, Best Friends, Dessert & Sweets, Female Friendship, Gen, Hugs, Misses Clause Challenge, Mother-Daughter Relationship, POV Female Character, Relationship Advice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 20:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/601754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noblealice/pseuds/noblealice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"First of all, I want to thank everyone for coming to my bachelorette party slash scavenger hunt! I want to thank my bridesmaids for letting me plan the whole event and I want to send out my very special thanks to Donna, who gave those book-pushing crones from the library the wrong directions."</p>
            </blockquote>





	this never would have happened if it weren't for those damn cucumber sandwiches

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lulabo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lulabo/gifts).



> I need to thank hjea for her amazing last-minute beta skills that saved this fic. Any remaining mistakes are my own.

Ann parked her car and headed towards the small crowd that was already forming in the parking lot of JJ’s Diner. A group of women were circled around her best friend and she had to jump and wave to be seen.

Leslie waved back quickly before clearing her throat loudly. “First of all, I want to thank everyone for coming to my bachelorette party slash scavenger hunt! I want to thank my bridesmaids for letting me plan the whole event and I want to send out my very special thanks to Donna, who gave those book-pushing crones from the library the wrong directions.” Leslie beamed down from her makeshift box podium at Donna.

“A round of applause for Donna Meagle, ladies!”

Ann clapped along with the crowd, allowing her mood to be infected by the cheer around her. She also took the time to do a quick mental headcount and wondered if Leslie had invited every female government employee. As a dozen more women filed out of a large pink bus, hooting at Leslie while wearing pink feather boas, she started to wonder if Leslie had invited half the female population of Pawnee.

“Now, our first stop is a place near and dear to my heart. They’ve set up a pretty special buffet table for us, so go on in and stuff as many waffles into your mouth as possible!”

Ann hurried forward to grab Leslie’s arm; not wanting to lose her in the crowd.

“Don’t you think this is a bit overboard, Leslie? I just think it’s a lot that you’re taking on.”

Leslie quickly reversed their positions and now had a surprisingly strong grip on Ann’s arm, knowing when to give up, Ann allowed herself to be herded into the diner and found herself in the line for the waffle station.

“No need to worry, Ann. I am not going to turn into a Sweetums brand Sweetford Wife, even if they do get to brush their teeth with candy canes.”

“A Sweetum-swhat?”

“Oh Ann, you fluffy, newly hatched duckling. You’re probably too young to remember when different businesses in Pawnee tried to create a whole lineup of prime-time television shows.”

Donna, who came up from behind them in line, chimed in. “Do not mention it around Tom though; he’ll go on a rant about this series that was _‘totally unfairly cancelled before it’s time and the son, Peter Hapley, was dope’ _.”__

__Leslie shook her head to agree and sighed. “Oh geez, I am not looking forward to the day the old _‘Leave it to Perd_ ’ Christmas special airs. It wasn’t funny in 1992, and it’s still not funny now. And it always causes Tom to sulk like one of those wild animals that’s being kept as a pet; something that used to roam free but now has dead eyes and wears a tacky sweater with a leash.”_ _

__“Wait, I remember seeing box sets of that show at Tom’s place!” Ann let out a deep breath. “I’m actually kind of relieved; I was too scared that it would be porn so I never asked him about them.”_ _

__April had been hovering by her elbow and chose now to enter the conversation, stealing a waffle off of Ann’s plate. “I’m not surprised you don’t know about it, Ann. Are lesbians even allowed to watch tv?”_ _

__“What? Lesbians are allowed to watch--” April started snickering and when Ann realized how April had set her up, she let out a frustrated sound, angry that she’d walked right into it._ _

__She took a moment to compose herself by busying herself with the different types of spreads. She emerged with her choice of plain butter and with her shoulders back and head held high. To herself, she whispered, “you can do this, Perkins. It’s Leslie’s night.”_ _

__Out loud, she said “for the last time, April--”_ _

__“Yeah, whatever. So you keep saying...” April looked like she was about to wander off now that Ann had calmed down, but something she saw made her spin on the spot. “Donna, look! She’s getting red in the face like Kelly Kernstern!”_ _

__“You know, she kinda does look like Kelly Kay.” Donna let out a wistful sigh, “I lost my virginity to her Fourth of July special about how the Kernstern rubber nipples saved America from the communists.”_ _

__Ann threw up her arms in frustration. “Stop talking about these shows like I should know what they are! Why does no-one ever remember that I only moved here six years ago?”_ _

__“Poor Ann. It’s because that was a bleak time and we all want to forget. Now, let’s get back on schedule. It says here says we should already be at the sundae bar and there is zero ice cream in sight.” With an expression that tried to convey how large of a tragedy this was, Leslie glared at them all in turn._ _

__April, unfazed by Leslie’s disappointment yelled out to the crowd. “You heard the woman, snap to it, ladies!”_ _

__Apparently, that was all the encouragement the receptionists from Sewage needed to hear to start elbowing their way from the waffle line over to the dessert bar._ _

__Ann looked over the bride-to-be’s shoulder to peek at the colourful lists that seemed to be catalogued and indexed by some system only Leslie could understand._ _

__“Uh, Les, that looks kinda.... _intense_. What else is on that clipboard?”_ _

__“Oh, nothing, just a series of events celebrating the independence of women who didn’t let marriage shackle them or diminish their dreams. Every item in the scavenger hunt somehow relates to a successful married woman from each state. I also managed to incorporate their official state bird, flower or tree!”_ _

__Ann frowned, wary of the direction the night seemed to be headed. She excused herself from the line and dug her phone out of her purse._ _

__Donna, having overheard Leslie’s itinerary interjected from the whipped cream station, “do any of the states have male strippers as their official hottie?”_ _

__Leslie raised an eyebrow and leered at Donna. “Well, I do have an impressive list of cute chicks listed here.” Donna just seemed incredulous and began looking for any way to exit the conversation. “Get it? Because of the birds?”_ _

__Ann returned just in time to hear Donna announce that she was done for the night and had to use her most authoritative nurse voice to inform her that not only was Donna staying, but that they were all staying._ _

__“Leslie can we talk in private? Listen, did uh, Ben say something to make you think that he--?” She trailed off, hesitant to ask outright if Pawnee’s happiest couple were suddenly not as happy as they seemed._ _

__Leslie looked shocked at her assumption. “God, no, Ann! Of course not.”_ _

__“Okay, well then, do you want to talk about this? You seem pretty concerned.”_ _

__Leslie stomped her foot and let out a high squeak of protest. ”Concerned? I’m not concerned. Your face is what you should be concerned about!”_ _

__Her hands flew up to her face and her whole demeanor changed in an instant. “Oh, I’m sorry, Ann. Your face is a masterpiece and it belongs in the best museum in the world.”_ _

__“Y’know Leslie, it’s okay if your dreams change a bit, that’s called compromising. It’s part of life and I imagine it’s a big part of marriage.”_ _

__Tossing her hair over her shoulder as she headed over towards the caramel sauce, Leslie answered back, “Well, that’s not my life, okay Ann? So less gabbin’ and more grabbin’. There’s a whole table of dessert toppings and my purse is not going to fill itself with rainbow sprinkles!”_ _

__Donna, who had just loaded her plate up with a mountain of whipped cream, gave Leslie a little hoot. “Oooh Leslie, walking on the wild side!”_ _

__Afraid that one of the waitstaff might overhear them, Leslie over enunciated each word. “Oh no, I pre-paid for everything on this table.” Although, as soon as a teenaged busboy had passed them she stage-whispered, “but we can pretend to run out on the bill if you want!”_ _

__April chose that moment to pop up - a habit that Ann was starting to find incredibly annoying - and waited until Leslie sat back down before she leaned her head on Leslie’s shoulder, no plate in sight. “Aww, that’s how we met. I had to volunteer and complete a hundred community service hours as punishment, remember?”_ _

__Ann tried hard, really she did, but she couldn’t help rolling her eyes. “Why am I not surprised that you’ve skipped out on a bill?”_ _

__April turned to stare at Ann, her voice knife sharp. “We didn’t actually eat anything, _Ann_. Derek, his stupid boyfriend and I just wanted to see how many Cornish game hens we could release back into the wild. But it turns out they were already roasted and seasoned so they didn’t so much fly away into the wild as get devoured by hungry raccoons.” At this point she lifted her head and waved her hand in the air. “And once you’re north of Maple Street, people call the cops at the first sight of a slightly rabid raccoon.”_ _

__Leslie, with only half a mouthful of waffle, tried to say something that Ann interpreted as, “With good reason!”_ _

__However, April seemed unfazed and continued to condemn the scared patrons, calling them “a bunch of wusses”._ _

__Before Ann could even pour syrup on her solitary waffle, one of Leslie’s watches beeped and she jumped up from the table, throwing her napkin on the table and clearing her throat, as she tried to get everyone’s attention. In the end, Ann felt sorry for her and let out a loud whistle to stop the hum of conversation._ _

__“Thanks for that, Ann! Alright! On to the next level, ladies. We only have fifty more to go.” She started clapping a beat to a song Ann had never heard before. She sighed as she slowly got up from her seat, and told the little Leslie-sounding voice in her head that it wasn’t a good idea to stuff a waffle in her clutch._ _

__Donna seemed just as reluctant to leave as Ann. Passing her on the way out, she heard the other woman whisper to the chocolate fountain, “I’ll be back for you, baby.”_ _

__Three hours later Ann was starting to regret her decision not to take that waffle afterall. She was starving. The group they had started out with had slowly dissipated until there was only Donna and April left on the scavenger hunt with Leslie. Ann was sitting on the curb, trying to knock a pebble out of her shoe when she heard another groan from inside the crumpled up hoodie that was currently housing April._ _

__Sensing that Leslie was about to lose even her most stalwart and loyal of friends, Ann ot up to check on the progress of one of the various spreadsheets. Leslie had unfolded a chart as big as a map on the sidewalk and was using chalk to mark their progress, occasionally drawing a butterfly on the concrete margins._ _

__Ann crouched down, stilling Leslie’s hand. “Hey, um, I think that Texas really tired everyone out, can’t we go to the bar now?”_ _

__Leslie looked up, hurt. “There’s less than a dozen clues left!”_ _

__Across the lawn, April could be heard talking to Andy on her cellphone, probably giving him directions so he could pick her up._ _

__Leslie, seeing for the first time that other people were tired, jumped up and started waving her hands in everyone’s face. “Gals! You can’t just walk away from my night of dreams!”_ _

__Donna was reclining in the driver’s seat of her Mercedes, a spot she’d refused to vacate after the first five clues. She levered her seat into it’s upright position to address Leslie._ _

__“These parties are supposed to be your last hurrah of singledom. Where you get drunk, dance for hours and kiss a few hunks before being stuck with Bat-Ben for the rest of your life. I was expecting shot necklaces and wet t-shirt contests.”_ _

__Ann wrapped her arms around Leslie’s shoulders in an attempt to soften the blow. “I’m sorry, but I have to agree. I think you’re taking this too seriously and....oh god, I can’t believe I’m about to say this because she should not be held as an expert on _anything_ , but April, maybe you have something to say to Leslie about married life?”_ _

__Since she was now laying on her back on the grass, April’s voice floated up from the ground. “Don’t ask men to buy you tampons because they’ll forget what they’re in the store for and come back with a pound of bacon and new skateboard decals.”_ _

__Ann sighed, mentally berating herself for even asking. “Okay, that was not at all helpful. How about something specifically about working when married?”_ _

__April actually leaned up on her elbows and pushed her hair out of her eyes to look at them. “Well, we need my paycheck for new xbox games, pizza and beer. Oh, and rent I guess. Whatever. Sometimes we just eat hot pockets for a week.” She shrugged._ _

__“But Andy never expected you to give up your job, right?” Ann asked, getting desperate._ _

__From across the street, a woman got out of her car just in time to hear the last part of their conversation and called out as she walked confidently toward them. “Well, I should hope any young man wouldn’t ask anyone to do that!”_ _

__Leslie’s jaw dropped as her mother walked into the light of a streetlamp. “Mom? What are you doing here?_ _

__Marlene crooked her finger towards Ann. “This one called me in a panic.”_ _

__Leslie whirled around to face Ann. “You _told_ on me? You called my mom? I want my friendship anklet back!”_ _

__Marlene ignored her daughter’s outburst and just walked toward her, arms outstretched. “Now tell me what happened. You were so excited the last time we talked.”_ _

__Leslie’s facade of energy faded and she slumped into her mother’s arms. “No, it’s fine. I just....I ran into Marcia Langman yesterday.”_ _

__Marlene scoffed. “From the Backwards Institution for Tactless, Conservative, Haughty and Egotistical Snobs?”_ _

__Leslie snorted but tightened the hug. “Technically, it’s the Society for Family Stability Foundation.” She put on a British accent that was probably supposed to sound rich and condescending, but Leslie had never been good with accents so it sounded more like someone with a cold._ _

__Ann stood off to the side, unsure if she should join them. After shuffling her feet for a moment, she decided to move forward cautiously._ _

__She could just barely make out Maureen’s sigh as she chastised her only daughter. “You listened to her, Leslie?”_ _

__“There was this big tea party with awful cucumber sandwiches and you know how loopy I get when I eat vegetables! They bombarded me and seemed so excited that I’d ‘settle down’ and join them.”_ _

__Leslie dropped her head into her hands, her voice a pitiful whine. “I don’t want to join them.”_ _

__The arms around Leslie tightened. “Of course you don’t! That Marcia-woman doesn’t have a single considerate bone in her body. She’s ignorant, spiteful and resistant to change. But the biggest difference between you and her is that she’s afraid. She’s been so afraid for so long that she’s scared of her own shadow now and she has to scream at other people to drown it out.”_ _

__Leslie lifted her head, her mascara running around her eyes and reminding Ann of Pawnee’s most-hated pest. Ann saw the hint of hope in Leslie’s eyes and thought it the best time to speak up._ _

__She walked over to where they were standing. “Leslie, you’re the bravest person I know. I don’t think you’re scared of anything and it inspires me to try to conquer my fears.”_ _

__Marlene nodded. “Remember, you’re a Knope women, and while they have a history of being stoned in the street for their impertinence, you’re also a Griggs woman and that makes you tough.”_ _

__Leslie voice wavered. “What happens if i become a Wyatt-Knope woman?”_ _

__Marlene took Leslie’s hand in her own, squeezing it lightly. “You’ll do what you always do; work hard day and night for this town. The only difference will be that come April you file joint taxes. That’s it.”_ _

__Leslie smiled. “I _do_ like waking up to his cute tush every day.”_ _

__Ann lightly punched her friend on the arm, grinning. “There you go! Did you really think things would change?”_ _

__Leslie cringed a bit in embarrassed. “I don’t know. They were all wearing pastels and they had cucumbers, mama. _Cucumbers_!”_ _

__Marlene moved to give Leslie a full hug, patting her on the back soothingly. “Those bitches.”_ _

__Ann moved to join in on the hug from other side. “Total bitches.”_ _

__“Thank you.” Leslie voice came out muffled from between their bodies. “I take it back, Ann. You can keep your friendship anklet.”_ _


End file.
